Last week I wrote about how I set my goal for the next year to always be wanting something.
This constant chasing has been my pattern for most of my life. In high school I was in love with a new guy every week. Celebs, guys in school, fictional characters. I never dated in high school, but I lusted after more than everyone, anyone.
In seventh grade there were seven girls in my class. We were a small school, so we were all friends. Some better than others, and we didn’t stay friends very long after this. Someone noticed seven girls, seven deadly sins. We were each assigned one. Me, who never dated, wasn’t kissed until my graduation party, got lust.
But it makes sense now. I love love. I desire desire. I want to desire. Desire people, desire my dreams, desire power and money, and more. Always more. There is always more and I will always want more.
The downside is I can’t always have more. At some point, I cannot have more. I can’t have more relationships. I can’t have more money, I’l never be rich. I’ll never be powerful. I’m just another person trying to make it in a harsh world. No one special.
I need to find balance between wanting and satisfaction.
Desire and acceptance.
Reality and fantasy.
Reach and surrender.
Perhaps my core desire feeling should be a balance. But I really want to dive into anguish, hope, and desire.
Just for a while.
I’ll find balance later.