Asrai Devin

Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.” ― Sylvia Plath

Not sexy

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Sometimes I don’t feel connected to my body. Sometimes I don’t feel connected to the world. I constantly struggle with emotional regulation, relationships are difficult. Some days are good days, some days I don’t feel broken, I feel normal, like I’m fine. The days where I feel bad after having those normal days are the hardest.

Why is my brain like this?

I am an abuse survivor. Both as a child and as an adult. I‘m not ready to go into more details yet. Someday I’ll get there, but I noticed there are no sex positive blogs for survivors and this is my attempt at filling that hole.

I’ve been having issues with Complex PTSD, self-harm, dissociation, possibly borderline personality disorder, depression, and anxiety since I can recall. I’ve been aware of these problems for almost twenty years. But I never accepted or acknowledged the abuse, the mental injury that caused these issues.

I was listening to Raise Your Hand Say Yes with Tiffany Han. And she talked about after you confess your truth, your community finds you.

Since sharing all these wonderful erotic stories I have found, I have a found a community on Twitter where talk about all this wonderful erotic stories and moments. I love my community. And sometimes it’s so hard to be in that space where everything is sex and it all makes me cringe. I can’t function there, it’s like one big trigger. That I carefully curated.

I love writing sex and erotica. And in large part because sex is so triggering, this way I have control over it. When I had a recent set of flashbacks that came to this point where I had to acknowledge my survivor badge, my husband said “with all this shit, it’s amazing we even have a semi-normal sex life.”

But that means I have to be in control of interactions regarding sexual topics.

Men, do not understand boundaries. Women get it. I can flirt and talk sexy with my girls but they understand what lines not to cross.

Men, you do not. You send dick pics, you cross boundaries, you don’t like hearing no.

This is my unsexy truth.

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