Asrai Devin

Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.” ― Sylvia Plath

Looking within myself

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Last week I wrote about fighting with my hubby and looking in myself to figure where I had created the argument.

I found that first off, it’s easier to pinpoint someone else’s issues than it is your own.

I avoid dealing with criticizing other people at all costs, so I haven’t breached any of this with him. He starts cleaning when he thinks I should be cleaning up because that’s the woman’s job. And then he starts doing things he knows will make me upset and I will take over cleaning because he’s either mad at me for “telling him” how to do things or because now I’m cleaning and he doesn’t need to anymore.

So, cleaning isn’t even the fucking issue in the first place. It’s just the thing we argue about. the issue goes deeper.

Where I’m creating it.

1) Anger at me. I had very frustrated, angry parents. They never spanked us, but there were threats and shouting and blaming. They had issues, but I need someone angry so I can soothe them. Otherwise I’m useless.

2) Woman’s job. I buy into this unconsciously 100% when he’s stacking the dishwasher (WRONGLY) or putting stuff away (WRONGLY) or throwing recyclables in the garbage (WRONGLY), I am feeling guilty because I am not doing it. Those are my jobs, I should be doing them and he shold be playing the video game. even though that it is the stupidest idea in 2013, it still goes on.

housekeeping

housekeeping (Photo credit: karamchedu)

3) I let him get away with not picking up after himself. I do it for him. I have a very high threshold for chaos and crap laying around the house. Higher than most.  But I do a lot of general picking up garbage etc when it’s on the floor. Its gross to have plastic wrap from cigarette packages or DVD cases laying on the floor. I load the dishwasher and run it daily. I make sure we aren’t sticking to the floors. I make sure there are no ants crawling on whatever the damn kids left laying on the floor. And I do the laundry. It doesn’t usually get put away for a week, but it’s clean. It’s in the basket next to the washer and dryer, you just might have to dig a little.

4) I don’t see my contribution to the household through the children and my writing money as equal to his. I and, consequently he, doesn’t see my writing as a job, it’s a hobby still. He doesn’t take it seriously.

there are housework things I could do better. I could do more. I admit. I used to do more when I worked outside the house and/or I didn’t have a 3 year old sucking the energy out of me. A 10 year old who doesn’t get enough of my time and hasn’t for a few years.

I am still not sure where to go from here in terms of course of action. Other than not picking up his stuff. I am making this pledge here and my personal facebook page, so that I’ll be more accountable. I’ve swore this stuff before and never stuck to it.

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