Asrai Devin

Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.” ― Sylvia Plath

Desiring Desire

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Every year I go through Danielle LaPorte’s book Desire Map and lay out my core desired feelings. Last year they were “magic”, “surrender”, and “really fucking rich.”

This year going in to the end of the year I have been re-reading (regretting and now re-writing) Just Say Uncle.

I swear this is Ben, angsting over Selene while she’s out on her date.

I love the angst between Ben and Selene. Torturing them was sweet pleasure. The hockey books have lacked the depth of emotion JSU and Where She Belongs had, at least on my end. I haven’t given all my emotions to these books as the early ones had, I’m too busy trying to follow the rules.

 

I decided that my core desired feeling is: Angst. I looked up the definition of angst. It is is “the anguish of the human condition, but also the hope things will get better. Hope being key.”

For romance, the angst, the anguish, revolves around desire, longing for each another. And hope that the feeling will resolve, either the other person leaves, or the couple get together. So desire, in my world, is tied to anguish. I love the mixed up feeling of wanting and denial or self-denial.

And I want to live in that feeling. I love having a goal to chase. I don’t know if I can be satisfied. I don’t know if I want to be satisfied.

I like the chase. I like my wants, goals, dreams, desires being just out of reach.

A breath away.

Unattainable.

Always in a state of wanting.

Not attaining goals is frowned upon. One of the goal setting rules is make the goals objective you can reach.

I want to always be wanting, stretching, reaching. Always better, always more.

I want to desire for the rest of the year. Flirt, kiss, tease, hope, dream.

But you can’t always have more. But I will explore the downside more next week.

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