Asrai Devin

Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.” ― Sylvia Plath

Thursday Thoughts: Images, Triggers, Surviving


I turned off the images in my browsers today.

Being a sexual abuse survivor means sex sometimes triggers me. Not in a panic, that only happens with flashbacks. But in just a “I feel yucky” feeling. Penises in particular are a problem for me.

I write sex so that I’m in control of it. But I even managed to trigger myself writing an anal scene where the hero calls the heroine a dirty girl for enjoying it and I’ve had those words come up in a flashback.

I was starting to dread reading my blog feed because the pictures were feeling oppressive. I started to worry about triggering myself.

So I turned off the images, which has felt like freedom. No more fear. I also took this week of TJ and Chloe.

I also have a new life goal to be an assassin. I was talking to a friend while reading the news and this conversation happened:

Asrai: Don’t you see the bad people in the world and wonder why they haven’t been assassinated, then you realize that assassins are not real and it makes you a little sad?”

Friend: yeah

Asrai: you know how they say “be the change you want to see in the world”? What if the change I want to see is more assassins?

Friend: backs away slowly

Asrai: And how people say “find a problem and fix it and you’ll have success” what if this is what we need to do?

The teenager told me I can’t murder people and also that despite that assassins seems like travel opportunity, the places I’ll be hired to go may not be that glamorous.

First step, get in better shape. See what happens next.

Failing the assassin thing working out, I’ll become a unicorn.


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